My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

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Scientists discover that Jupiter’s moon, Europa, may be suitable for human habitation. When asked to comment Jupiter stated, “Oh, hell no.”


[Michael Bay directing]
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play


Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot


Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think


Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.


[getting cuffed and arrested]

me: but officer it was medicinal

cop: again, there’s no such thing as medicinal homicide


Exclamation point rules

! – good
!! – excited
!!! – awesome
!!!! – starting to get creepy
!!!!! – cheerleader creepy
!!!!!! – own 20 cats


None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.