@NikatNiteNite

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

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@3sunzzz

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

@Adar79Angie

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

@FU_TangClan

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

@electrolemon

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

@thetigersez

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

@decentbirthday

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

@robfee

I wonder if the coach of the opposing team on Air Bud got fired when he explained to the principal how a golden retriever outscored his team