*Opens fortune cookie*
~You just ate cat, you thought was beef.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
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Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
therapist: what do you see
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I wonder if the coach of the opposing team on Air Bud got fired when he explained to the principal how a golden retriever outscored his team