My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
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I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Every BBC series about the universe.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
at ease…shoulder.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
My new favorite headline