My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
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I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.