Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Stop sending me this shit.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.