people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
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“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
#CatsOnTwitter
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I love the honesty
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying