I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple’s Facebook account.
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“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
*Catches the dead body at the wedding*
20 pages “accept yourself”
40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
[new coffee shop]
b: order for Prune!
m: Pru. P-R-U
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there