therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
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When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay