My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple’s Facebook account.

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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”


Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.


Her: What do you do?
Me: I drill for oil.
G: That sounds interesting.
M: No, it’s really…
H: Don’t do it, I’ll leave
M:…just boring


*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*


We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids


Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”


“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.


My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.