@brittwastaken

My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple’s Facebook account.

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@Ratchet7Don

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

@BobTheSuit

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

@Playing_Dad

Her: What do you do?
Me: I drill for oil.
G: That sounds interesting.
M: No, it’s really…
H: Don’t do it, I’ll leave
M:…just boring

@TheTimmyToes

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

@Chhapiness

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

@ixix82

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

@goldengateblond

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

@1Happytwit

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.