@JessiCanadian

My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.

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@AngelaEhh

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

@causticbob

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

@better_off_dad2

Me: ‘This may be the beer talking, but that is a VERY sharp outfit you have on.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

@Genos_Steaks

I was wondering why some couples don’t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don’t work out…

@internetluke

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

@squirrel74wkgn

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

@TheDairylandDon

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

@ItsAndyRyan

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.