@JessiCanadian

My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.

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@runolgarun

*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him*
me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch
*TSA guns me down*

@1_swarthy_dude

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

@cableknitjumper

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

@shesananteater

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

@sirmunchie

My GF arrives in town next week. I’m so excited!

I just hope that all the tension w/ Russia doesn’t make U.S. immigration hold up the mail.

@c12h22o11balls

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

@meganamram

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

@GrantTanaka

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

@BlindVigil

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…