My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.

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Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.


Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank


Me: ‘This may be the beer talking, but that is a VERY sharp outfit you have on.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’


I was wondering why some couples don’t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don’t work out…


Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*


Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.


No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”


Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.