@JessiCanadian

My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

@UnrealTJH

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

@Chumpstring

KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I’m holding your son for ransom.

DAD: I have no money, what’s the ransom?

KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.

@fuzzlime

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

@lovstructionist

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

@Marlebean

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

@gregreckons

If by “eat clean” you mean “donuts in the shower”, then yes – I eat clean.

@Home_Halfway

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

@FattMernandez

You guys ever smear fake blood on your mouth, put on a ripped shirt, go in somewhere and pretend you got mugged? PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!

@Matt_The_1st

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan