My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
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My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
December birthdays be like…
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42