My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
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cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.