@Darlainky

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

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@ememess

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

@JasonLastname

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

@Reverend_Scott

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

@MourningGlory_

I just ate an entire bag of Werther’s and now I’m 80 years old, own a floral couch, smoke Virginia Slims, got a perm and my name is Shirley.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

@Mikecanrant

*Pauses Titanic during the most romantic part*

*Turns to GF*

“You know, Contra was really easy. But I still liked using the 100 life code”

@HatfieldAnne

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

@GensPlace

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..