My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

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BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary


I don’t think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.


date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist


My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy


If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.


You think you got problems

I just mixed a box of regular spaghetti with a box of thin spaghetti

Supper is ruined I tell you


When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.


PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –



I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.