BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
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I don’t think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
You think you got problems
I just mixed a box of regular spaghetti with a box of thin spaghetti
Supper is ruined I tell you
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.