Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
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MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?
Dr.: a plastic bag
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!
ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then