My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
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*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Always…
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables