@kimtopher22

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

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@MissHavisham

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

@pauleggleston

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

@motrboatr

Thanks, but it’s spelled “sexiest”, not “sexist”. Stupid woman.

@Scimommy

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

@UncleDuke1969

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

@TesstifyBarker

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

@AnnaDoesntWant2

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.