my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
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One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
greetings!
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
inventing words: clothing
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy