My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
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Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.