I can’t wait!
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Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
saw this in a dream
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
For the ones in the back.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb