My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
never deleting this app.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*