@weinerdog4life
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
@SaltyCorpse
My dog: I can’t get her up.
My Other dog: Did you lick her face?
My dog: Yeah, no dice.
My other dog: Did you run to the door and back?
My dog: Yes. Sheesh.
My Cat: Get out of my way, amateurs. *hurk* *gag* *hurk* Now she’s up, peasants.
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@weinerdog4life
@Home_Halfway
Sorry for writing “Everyone makes mistakes” in your wedding guestbook.
@TheAndrewNadeau
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
@LostFelicia
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
@papasuncle
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
@dumbbeezie
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
@Dawn_M_
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
@panmidwest
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
@Reverend_Scott
If I were a superhero, I’d be Pizza Man.
My one-liners would be cheesy, and I’d save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.
@better_off_dad
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.