I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
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just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
⛄️
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit