Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My dog: I can’t get her up.
My Other dog: Did you lick her face?
My dog: Yeah, no dice.
My other dog: Did you run to the door and back?
My dog: Yes. Sheesh.
My Cat: Get out of my way, amateurs. *hurk* *gag* *hurk* Now she’s up, peasants.
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Sorry for writing “Everyone makes mistakes” in your wedding guestbook.
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”
ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
God: Basically u just chill.
God: I mean, at first.
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
If I were a superhero, I’d be Pizza Man.
My one-liners would be cheesy, and I’d save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.