My dog: I can’t get her up.

My Other dog: Did you lick her face?

My dog: Yeah, no dice.

My other dog: Did you run to the door and back?

My dog: Yes. Sheesh.

My Cat: Get out of my way, amateurs. *hurk* *gag* *hurk* Now she’s up, peasants.

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Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters


Sorry for writing “Everyone makes mistakes” in your wedding guestbook.


[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?


Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.


God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.


I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me


I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.


JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?


If I were a superhero, I’d be Pizza Man.

My one-liners would be cheesy, and I’d save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.