I didn’t come here to be called names
You Might Also Like
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
oh you wanna fight?!
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
oh shit
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Just got to our Airbnb!
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.