*snares the Easter Bunny*
*pats his head*
*lets him go*
What?!?…What did you think I was going to do, you savages.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
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No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*
dog *hands me a beer*
[creation of clams]
God: this snail is grounded