@Darlainky

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

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@Brianhopecomedy

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

@trojansauce

[dogs around campfire]

*flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

@ClichedOut

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

@TheRolo

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

@TravLeBlanc

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

@SteveSuckington

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

@TheHyyyype

*sees a tall guy*
“he must be a basketball player*

*sees a tall girl*
“she must be a basketball player”

*sees a tall tree*
“it must be a basketball player”

@GoFrankGo

Look, Clinton’s gonna win. US President order has to follow Star Trek Captain order: white guy, white guy, black guy, woman, Scott Bakula.

@christinaloca

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

@DustinSiskey

One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”

Best.Insult.Ever.