Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
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[dogs around campfire]
*flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
*sees a tall guy*
“he must be a basketball player*
*sees a tall girl*
“she must be a basketball player”
*sees a tall tree*
“it must be a basketball player”
Look, Clinton’s gonna win. US President order has to follow Star Trek Captain order: white guy, white guy, black guy, woman, Scott Bakula.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”