My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
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I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“