My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
💁🏻♂️
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days