My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
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[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
When you try jalapeños for the first time
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.