My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
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Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
This guy’s not having it 😆
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Well, that didn’t work.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?