I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
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[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
calling in to work dehydrated
i think we should see other cousins
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.