@FknVancouver: My dog is so excited about me washing the car that I'm starting to think he borrows it while I'm asleep
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@charliesgonenow: Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
@Reverend_Scott: [first date] ME: Don't let her know you're a potato HER: It's really hot in here ME: [starts baking] oh no
@lafpgh: He insulted my sister, and I let it slide. He insulted my mother, and I let it slide. Then...he insulted my tweets.