My dog is so excited about me washing the car that I’m starting to think he borrows it while I’m asleep

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Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.


PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.


Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away


Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance


she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”


After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.


No. YOU misunderstood. I said I’ve been doing this for awhile. I never said I was any good at it.


My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂


Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.