Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
You Might Also Like
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
they split up moments later
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine