My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
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Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I cannot call her anything else now
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.