Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
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Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*