If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
My dog is such a narcissist she’ll only fetch selfie sticks.
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regardless means without regard
irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes
Every time I use <3 in an @ to someone, I can’t help but think, “Please accept this carrot with balls as a token of how much I heart you.”
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
once when I was at work I missed like 30 calls from my boyfriend & a text saying it was an emergency.
when I called him back the emergency was that fraiser’s son was goth in the episode he had just watched.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.