@BrownDogBlanket

My dog is such a narcissist she’ll only fetch selfie sticks.

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@BlondAmbitionTO

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

@Flykins

regardless means without regard

irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes

@bobbiejo448

Every time I use <3 in an @ to someone, I can’t help but think, “Please accept this carrot with balls as a token of how much I heart you.”

@DaveTheAlbino

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

@TheAlexNevil

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

@ddsmidt

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

@minkahunter

once when I was at work I missed like 30 calls from my boyfriend & a text saying it was an emergency.

when I called him back the emergency was that fraiser’s son was goth in the episode he had just watched.

@huntigula

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.