My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
You Might Also Like
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.