roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
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“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Hard not to take this personally
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff