6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
My dog just ate the last piece of pizza but of course when we were ordering and I asked who wanted some, she didn’t say shit
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I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
What a beautiful day! The sun’s shining, the birds are singing, the neighbor’s dog is taking a huge crap on my lawn…
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
If the people in your car don’t match the stick figures on your rear window, I’ll report your vehicle stolen.