MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
You Might Also Like
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.