@iGreenMonk

My dog just fell off the bed.

I’m glad I’m not the only one drunk around here.

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@atamba_lakeli

My boyfriend recently called me his woman
And now we’re living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food

@phalguy

10: What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?

10: Mom said you were lazy AF.

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

@DistractedMomma

Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can’t leave messages now. That’s the kind of genius I am.

@DaddyJew

It’s so hot outside I tried to let my dog out and she got up, closed the door and sat back down on the couch

@KateWhineHall

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

@karanbirtinna

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

@EJGomez

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross