My boyfriend recently called me his woman
And now we’re living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food
My dog just fell off the bed.
I’m glad I’m not the only one drunk around here.
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You Had One Job!
10: What does AF mean?
After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?
10: Mom said you were lazy AF.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can’t leave messages now. That’s the kind of genius I am.
It’s so hot outside I tried to let my dog out and she got up, closed the door and sat back down on the couch
My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
jesus: hey dad
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross