Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My dog just fell off the bed.
I’m glad I’m not the only one drunk around here.
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*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.
Cashier: “Going camping?”
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.