@6stringSpecial

My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.

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@Dani_Feld

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

@david8hughes

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

@katiedippold

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

@BlindChow

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

@Brianhopecomedy

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

@TheSharona06

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

@Danisrivera

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

@lildandeli0n

I’m pretty sure my soulmate will come through that door.

-Me, at KFC

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.