[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
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The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”