My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
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me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?