My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
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*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Daughter is acting so rude I’m not sure she’s even mine. Think my wife may have cheated on me with YouTube’s comments section.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. Anyone who bought WiFi please google “Fatal Engine Error:38” & come to Cockpit ASAP. Thanks
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us
*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Opens a sperm bank that only accepts redheaded donors….
The Ginger Bred House.
Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?
Dr.: a plastic bag