My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

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My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.


Daughter is acting so rude I’m not sure she’s even mine. Think my wife may have cheated on me with YouTube’s comments section.


Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. Anyone who bought WiFi please google “Fatal Engine Error:38” & come to Cockpit ASAP. Thanks


[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing


Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves


“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”


Opens a sperm bank that only accepts redheaded donors….

The Ginger Bred House.


Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?

Dr.: a plastic bag