@TheBoydP

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

@DannyZuker

Daughter is acting so rude I’m not sure she’s even mine. Think my wife may have cheated on me with YouTube’s comments section.

@cm_rutvik

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. Anyone who bought WiFi please google “Fatal Engine Error:38” & come to Cockpit ASAP. Thanks

@AtticusFinch79

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

@Playing_Dad

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

@bazecraze

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”

@eric10F

Opens a sperm bank that only accepts redheaded donors….

The Ginger Bred House.

@KKBowls

Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?

Dr.: a plastic bag