My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
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Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
me linking you to my twitter
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.