Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty