Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
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I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I love the smell of fabric softener through the outside vents when people do the laundry. I get a lot of restraining orders though.
So you’re telling me a Retail job doesn’t mean putting tails back on animals ?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
If you brush your teeth then drink orange juice you can physically taste 2020