@SCbchbum

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

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@causticbob

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

@3sunzzz

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

@ericsshadow

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

@WilliamAder

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

@KentWGraham

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

@rebrafsim

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

@caliraingirl

I love the smell of fabric softener through the outside vents when people do the laundry. I get a lot of restraining orders though.

@OzKamal

So you’re telling me a Retail job doesn’t mean putting tails back on animals ?

@Quartzjixler

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

@onlyabithard

If you brush your teeth then drink orange juice you can physically taste 2020