My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Writing, She Murdered.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.