My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
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The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works