@lmwortho

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

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@PharmerRPh

Judge: “Reason for divorce?”

Me: “Reconcilable differences.”

Judge: “Don’t you mean irreconcilable?”

Me: “Ugh. You sound just like her.”

@yaseen_moi

I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.

@TheAlexNevil

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

@AnnietheNanny1

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

@Brampersandon_

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

@PinkCamoTO

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

@living_marble

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

@ruinedpicnic

Neil Armstrong: now where did I park my car?
[presses key button]
[tiny orange light flashes on the moon]
god dammit

@Henry_3k

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.