Judge: “Reason for divorce?”
Me: “Reconcilable differences.”
Judge: “Don’t you mean irreconcilable?”
Me: “Ugh. You sound just like her.”
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
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I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Neil Armstrong: now where did I park my car?
[presses key button]
[tiny orange light flashes on the moon]
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”