I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
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You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
now, unroll the condom down over the bana- what is it keith?
“i ate my banana”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
What is WRONG with you???
Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let’s see… ok… carry the 1… um… That would be everything
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Please enjoy my “Here’s Your Sign” tweet collection, designed to ward off Twitter trolls.