@MarfSalvador

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

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@Chumpstring

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

@YourAnMoron

You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.

@Lisabug74

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

@iwearaonesie

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

@3sunzzz

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

@KeetPotato

[sex-ed lesson]
now, unroll the condom down over the bana- what is it keith?
“i ate my banana”

@DanMentos

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

@bombsydoll

What is WRONG with you???

Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let’s see… ok… carry the 1… um… That would be everything

@sixfootcandy

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

@Eagle_Vision

Please enjoy my “Here’s Your Sign” tweet collection, designed to ward off Twitter trolls.