[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
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Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.