[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

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I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.


You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.


My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.


mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*


As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.


[sex-ed lesson]
now, unroll the condom down over the bana- what is it keith?
“i ate my banana”


“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]


What is WRONG with you???

Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let’s see… ok… carry the 1… um… That would be everything


I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.


Please enjoy my “Here’s Your Sign” tweet collection, designed to ward off Twitter trolls.