Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

I’ve had worse

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

Your secret is safe with me and my sister.

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him