My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
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Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Remember folks 😂
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me