My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
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The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
There is no try. There is only give up.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”