My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
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Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.