Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
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Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Did my cat write this
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”