My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

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You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?


I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.


Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.


As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?


A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.


When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it’s probably not cake. I’m tired of the let down.


Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.


EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?


Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.


* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?