My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
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Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Knock Knock
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”