You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
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I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.
When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it’s probably not cake. I’m tired of the let down.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.