My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
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*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words