my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
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Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
*updates tinder bio*
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.