My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
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While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
plant them where lol
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side