@FknVancouver
@nettie0918
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
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@nettie0918
@taylortomlinson
Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”
@Hammyinmiami
My husband is so not into sex. When I wear fishnet stockings he thinks I want to go fishing.
@Shen_the_Bird
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
@lloydrang
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
@JPLFR80
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
@flashember
[inventor of the zoo]
*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*
this has to stop
@wickedsuga
DON’T TOUCH ME! AND YOU’RE BREATHING WRONG! STOP IT!
-wives, on their period
Or if they’re hungry.
Or if you are actually breathing wrong.
@crocodilethumbs
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
@TheAndrewNadeau
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.