@FknVancouver

My dog thinks I collect small bags of poo

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@nettie0918

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

@taylortomlinson

Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”

@Hammyinmiami

My husband is so not into sex. When I wear fishnet stockings he thinks I want to go fishing.

@Shen_the_Bird

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

@lloydrang

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

@JPLFR80

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

@flashember

[inventor of the zoo]

*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*

this has to stop

@wickedsuga

DON’T TOUCH ME! AND YOU’RE BREATHING WRONG! STOP IT!

-wives, on their period

Or if they’re hungry.
Or if you are actually breathing wrong.

@crocodilethumbs

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

@TheAndrewNadeau

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.