My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
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Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Monday?
No. Next question.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
How dramatic are you?
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.