My dog thinks I collect small bags of poo

My dog thinks I collect small bags of poo

- @FknVancouver

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I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.


To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn’t tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It’s on!!


In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.


Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.


[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’


Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.


Now 91 is waving his diaper over his head while 86 is running down the street naked with 79’s pants. Working in the old folks home is hard.


Trump: What caused the Civil War?

Aide: Slavery.

Aide 2: Slavery.

Aide 3: Slavery.

DeVos: Bears.


I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.


Everytime you see 2 characters in Gundam that are enemies talk to eachother while piloting their mobile suit and yelling about their ideals, “i wont let you get away” etc, remember one had to start a call and the other had to accept it just so they could beef over the intercom