The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
My dog thinks I collect small bags of poo
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[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it “stay in stool” haha like school haha cuz it’s a stool
ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb
dr: we had to remove your colon
Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.
Me: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?
Me: Oh. You said HUDDLE up, didn’t you?
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Shoutout to moms leaving long birthday notes to their kids on social media when their child is both illiterate and not on social media.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire