@FknVancouver
@liliths_lair
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
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@liliths_lair
@TheToddWilliams
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
@loserIex
ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it “stay in stool” haha like school haha cuz it’s a stool
ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb
@TweetPotato314
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
@sammyrhodes
Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.
@wickedsuga
Me: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?
Coach:
Me:
Coach:
Me: Oh. You said HUDDLE up, didn’t you?
@pauleggleston
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
@ValeeGrrl
Shoutout to moms leaving long birthday notes to their kids on social media when their child is both illiterate and not on social media.
@JaySaysStuff
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
@Try2StopME
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire