My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
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reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort