My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
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[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.